Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ