Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something