My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.