My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
But I really needed water water water
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets