My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
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Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
What happened to the other hiker??!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.