Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

My dog ate my work from home.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

🤣

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”