Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.