Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.