My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car