My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
