My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
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[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?