Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑