My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…