Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

Air conditioning – not a fan

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

Breaking news:

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”