Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.