My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
*mops up wine with cat*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh