Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.