Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night