My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
When ur friends with white people
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me