Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.