Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

(Jupiter –

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.