My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
You Might Also Like
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Beauty and the Beast
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger