Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

#Caturday

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.