Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit