Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Whoa. I guess one dude quit: