Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

what day is it?

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs