Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

ㅤ

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?