Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.