My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Friday night party time 🥳
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.