My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
eggs benadryl
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace