My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I don’t make the rules sorry
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.