My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Worth a try
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to