My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
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Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”