Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

just having fun

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.