My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
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I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
#winning
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.