My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”