My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
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woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
pictures of spider-man
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate