My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
giddy up Office Depot
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.