My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
They got Raph!
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?