My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
The honesty is refreshing
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.