My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
your daddy is a what now?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Otters see a butterfly.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
