My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
