My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
2022 be like
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
