My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
next question.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
