My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
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[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
🍛
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Shoo shoo! 😂
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Can’t. Being lazy.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Cats (2019)
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.