My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
