My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My boss called in sick of me
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.