Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.