My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
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Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???