My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.