My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?