My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please