My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?