My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
You are not alone 💚
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.