Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!