Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore