Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great tip. #CakeRex

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.