My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me :
All Day At Night
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.