My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again