My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
road rage
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Already got one
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Voting for coroner
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?