My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Every
Single
Year
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.