My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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This will never not be funny to me.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Eat…
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
i choose….tongue
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory