My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Oh, I bet you would be
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
