Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

Hot hot hot 🥵

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

🤝

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

[eats all your cotton candy]

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.