Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are