Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

remember

only for emergencies

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Miscakes

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.