My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.