My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Important reminders
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao