My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.