My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing