My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.