My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
You Might Also Like
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am