Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

Super Hand Dog Face

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

The honesty is refreshing

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”