My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)