My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
You Might Also Like
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef