My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.