My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[shakes fist at other fist]
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Birds & Planes.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
i- i did not expect this
