Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

serving silly goose instead of turkey

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people