My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.